About that one true love

Joanna Lives Next Door

Over the years, my heart has been touched by several men.  I have experienced moments of joy, hopefulness, desire and maybe even love, all in the arms of various men.  For however long those moments lasted, it was a period of contentment – that thirsty part of my heart was quenched.  But those moments of “love” evaporated time and again leaving me desperate for more.

I have been on a search for a love strong enough to last a lifetime.  Now I know that the only love I can have forever is the love I have for my daughter which is constantly replenished by the love she gives to me.  Her love is everlasting.  Her love sustains me.  Her love is what keeps me alive.  I know it’s a lot of weight to put on a child, but she is the one true love I have been needing all this…

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Someone to count on

I am quite impressed with myself.  I have done so well for myself in the last few years.  Being a single mom has made me a strong person.  As much as I struggle daily with my little girl, the struggle and the constant triumph through it all clearly demonstrate that I am indeed a strong person, with a solid character.  I know I can survive whatever comes my way.  I don’t scare so easily anymore, not about tomorrow.

I am a hard worker.  Even when my hard work doesn’t produce expected results or preferred results, I continue to work hard.  I cannot think of an instant in the last few years where I gave up, quit…?  Sure, I have thought about giving up all sorts of things over the years of course, I have felt cornered and desperate, but I have never actually made the decision to give up.  Well, I can’t recall a moment when I decided not to do something or try something because I figured it wouldn’t work out.

I know it’s not all because I am just so courageous, I do recognize that I don’t always take risks that would probably serve me well…  I am not a risk taker, this I know about myself.  This is something I want to do more of – I am talking about character risks, not skydiving.   I am talking about speaking up, doing something that scares me (like dancing alone in public) or puts me in vulnerable position.

But, I am progressing and I want to continue building this strong woman-mother.  I want my daughter to find her wonder woman right next to her.  Someone that would do anything for her welfare. Someone that will sacrifice for her benefit.  Someone that will protect her from things within control – and for those things outside of control, I am someone that can help her brace for impact or help mitigate the impact of such forces.

I  have to continue being strong so I can indeed be someone with strength she can count on.

Run it away

I feel so much better today, especially right now as I write these words.  Yesterday was like a day of mourning (I know – so melodramatic!).  I experienced a deep sadness throughout the day – even the weather cooperated with my mood.  It was overcast, wet, cold and windy.  I spent most of the day alone, replaying the turn of events, reading and re-reading our messages to each other (especially his last message to me) and writing out my feelings, some of which I shared some with you.

I went for a run this morning – I think that made the difference.  Being out and about, part of the real world, part of the trees, the birds, the squirrels, the cyclists, the walkers and other runners was something I desperately needed.  It was just a friendly reminder that – you know what, life isn’t that bad, not mine anyways. I have a good life.

I could have used my time out there a little better though – all throughout, my mind and body were segmented.  My poor body, it has been neglected for so long – it used to be amazing, strong!  Together, we used to run 10k effortlessly.  Now it’s a struggle just to get through half of that!  But, my body got me through it today (thanks).  My body has always been there for me, showing me that I am indeed stronger than I think I am, even when I don’t treat it with the respect it deserves.

While my body increased my blood pressure, sent blood surging through my veins, stretched and strengthened my muscles, especially that thirsty heart of mine – my mind went on doing what it does best – thinking about the past and speculating about the future (this was the perfect chance to live in the moment!).  I was repeating words my mystery guy and I said to each other, recreating dreams we shared with one another and wondering about the possibility of running into him in real life.  I suppose it will take time to get over it, it has been only a day so far after all.  Soon he won’t be running around in my head so much giving me that heartache.

Good news is that I am not spending most of my time alone today.  I am about to head out to spend time with people who have bigger problems than disappointment! It’s always good to be pulled down back to earth, forced put your problems in perspective.

This heart keeps going on for you

love

I met a man online and for a good healthy moment, I thought he was mine, all mine, but now I know he was never mine to begin with. Even though I touched his heart, held his dreams in my arms, embraced tightly his fears and kissed gently his pain (each for a moment at least), it turns out, I was just paying mind to – and cleaning up a mess, someone else left behind.  Oh universe – of all the wonderful people keeping this crooked world together, why me? Why take a moment to tease me? (- and that’s what it feels like, a tease!) Why pick on this broken-hearted woman to deliver a man resembling her own dream lover, to another woman?  Really?  It had to be me?  You mean, there wasn’t some other chaos or atrocity you could tend to, rather than spending this moment with me to reunite these two together? (Will they bring peace on earth? Ok then, I’ll brace for impact…)

I get it – some good things happened for both him and me, but still…I’m a little hurt and, the experience made me more thirsty…(is there a point where one can be so thirsty, there is no greater degree to thirst?)  He said, I should keep dreaming, then let it go; that I shouldn’t hold on too hard to what I want most….(yes, he is quite the wise man).  I don’t understand it though, it’s beyond my scope of being. I don’t understand the concept – nor, the process of dreaming big and then, setting it free?

As I keep dreaming and keep dreaming big – will my love come along as he said?  And I’m wondering – will someone else (maybe you) give my lover a helping a hand, maybe a great big kick in the caboose that sends him flying right into me – knocking me off my feet, making my head spin, and making my heart skip a beat?  Oh and, will I be ready for him?  Will I accept him for everything that he really is…will I be ready to love him immediately?  If it’s an emergency…will I be prepared?

This mystery man and I, we never met, we just wrote to one another- about love, relationships and experiences in life that have affected us deeply. Well, I was just getting started on my end actually…    I had such an easy time opening up to him and considering him as possibly the man of my dreams.  He opened up to me too, shared with me some of the fantasies he created for just him and I.  The more I shared with him , the more I wanted him.  It doesn’t feel right to give so much of yourself to someone and not want him for yourself forever…

I think I made him feel uncomfortable or possibly created pressure on him for a romantic relationship.  I wrote to him about how I wanted to keep his heart safe and all that, and he wrote back to me repeating (several times) his desire to establish a friendship base.  I replied with an apology for pushing too hard, I expressed my desire for friendship too, but I feared the damage was already done…  Now I am thinking, maybe it was also part of the universe preparing me for what was to come….

A couple of days passed before he replied to my last message, and in the meantime, I felt like I was already losing him…  I knew it wasn’t healthy to teeter between such grand emotions and ideas about someone I just met, but I couldn’t help it.  And just in case he really was the man for me, I didn’t want to restrain myself from him… (oops).

I saw it coming, or maybe, I made it happen.  I breathed life into the possibility of him not wanting me after all.  And that’s what happened, through me, he found his way back to a love he thought was lost.  Now, he is ready to do whatever it takes to make it work with her.

He was very kind, thoughtful and gentle as he bid farewell to me – which of course only made me want him more…. Damn. I hope there is enough of that kind of love for every single one of us looking….

So, the search goes on for you my love (I am right here by the way…).  Follow the sound of my heart beat calling for you.  Get out of my dream and into my reality.  Come to life, let me give this love to you… please, take your rightful place right here next to me.  Your absence is soo cliche…

Save me the breath of having to explain

Although I fantasize about various types of men, I think in real life it’s best to be with a black man.  For me, it gets rid of extra explanations.  I get to save my breath from explaining all kinds of things about me – my hair for one, my skin for another.

You know, my skin covers me head to toe and sometimes that’s a problem – but, my black man would take my hand, no questions asked.  My black man and I would share this common experience, it would be a deep and expansive feature of our relationship.  Only he could begin to grasp the idea (and/or the experience) of loving me so, oh so thoroughly.  It would irrefutably bind us together, irreversibly blend our social angst and qualms while we’re at it.

He would save me the breath of having to explain myself – explain my past, explain my present and explain my future.  He saves me the breath of having to do all the explaining to our children.   Gee, I rather use those extra breaths to say “I love you more.”

I can’t imagine feeling the need to hide from him.  I can’t imagine feeling the need to keep pieces of my experience, nor a single piece of my broken heart from him.  I can’t imagine hiding from him and getting away with it.  He would know, he would have that extra sense to know me better. He would have broken pieces too and some would match those of my own heart. We would be a match made in heaven, I can see it now!

There would be no extra set of complexities and confusion between us, because he would never deliberately or inadvertently nor subconsciously add to any of my grievances.  My love for him would not be tainted by such confusion.  Whenever things happens, he would take my hand and experience my pain fully and completely like a loving embrace.  Only he would know how strong I am and he wouldn’t be surprised by how fragile I am.  It all makes sense to him.

It makes sense to be with him, to be matched with him.  His skin and my skin mean the same thing, trigger the same thing, would love and could love and should love, the same way.  We can blend in when we want to and stand conspicuously together as well.

Our love would never be questioned, be looked down on, be doubted or mocked.  We are safe in each other’s arms, most importantly, in each other’s hearts, oh but maybe even more importantly, in each other’s understanding.

No friends, no problem??

I am looking for signs that the mental fog that I have been living under is finally dissipating. Today I felt a little sense of relief.  I am not quite sure what brought it on.  Even though I was in school for the majority of the day, I spent most of the time alone.  I barely spoke to anyone – I wasn’t intentionally avoiding anyone, but I was preoccupied with starting and completing a couple of assignments due today.  I finished.

There was something different about today.  I didn’t feel needy.  But I am not sure if that’s true, because the thought did cross my mind.  I am not sure.  What happened is that, I thought about my life and the fact that I don’t really have friends. While I do have people that I chat with and sit with, our relationship does not stretch passed the confines of school and school work.  And that’s where the problem lies.

I’ve always wanted people that can stretch into my world beyond school, people to help me find and conquer new worlds for my life. It happens rarely. Nowadays, every encounter and conversation is a direct result of our shared experience as peers in school or as staff members at work.  We are peers, we are colleagues – we are not friends, the lines are pretty clear.

I’ve always experienced loneliness – my one true lifelong friend.  This fact is true of every interval of my life.  Obviously high school wasn’t great, university was a little better, but not by much, I tried again at college the first time around and here I am at college again, seeing the same process unfold.  I see people partnering up, molding friendships, creating support systems and I am still wandering the hallways alone.  I am still strutting along that lonely catwalk, my eyes anxiously seeking a familiar face.  Someone that knows me, someone that can throw a gesture of acknowledgement my way – a mere “hello”, maybe spare a bit of small-talk, allow me to present my beautiful smile to the world.  My smile desperately screams, “hey world, look at me, I am wonderful person, please seek to know me, I can be your friend!”

I am still alone in every sector of my daily experience.  Perhaps this is why my parallel fantasy word is re-emerging and taking such a predominant stake in my daily life.  Now I have my own fantastic life of riches, success and love playing in my head at all times – at all times!  I am having trouble staying present in my reality – experiencing real moments.  I am always in my head creating and recreating this world. Sometimes I take from my real world, components that work for me.  But now I am living in my head again.  I am fighting hard to keep my mind in reality, but it’s hard when my reality has nothing exciting to offer, besides my little girl.  She’s my anchor to the real world.  It’s as if she knows that I am in a fantasy world, she’s constantly calling on me, “Mom! Mom! Mom!”  She brings me back to reality.

I will make real effort to stay present when I am with her.  I don’t want to fall into fantasy. I don’t want to lose myself.  If I lose myself, I will absent from my little girl’s moments and I don’t want to miss a thing.  She’s the only good thing in my life.    She’s my anchor to reality, and my loneliness is the fierce wind that seeks to blow me into mere fantasy.  I don’t want to be pushed, I don’t want to move, I want to stay in this world with my girl.

What else can I possibly do to help me stay put?  How can I make my reality more interesting?  Genuine friendships would help, but clearly I don’t know how to make friends, so I don’t even want to try anymore.  Why is it so hard to make friends?  Earlier today at school, I thought, I’ve survived almost 34 years without this friend that I keep searching for, what’s another 34 years?!

Maybe that was the feeling earlier today, acceptance.  Maybe I am finally emerging towards acceptance. Accepting myself as I am, lonely and all. The feeling was most prominent when I was sitting alone in the cafeteria eating my lunch.  I noticed couples and groups sitting and chatting together, having a gay ‘ole time and wondered, what it was about me that I never really felt included in such experiences.  I mean- I know that I have had experiences where I sat with groups and had a wonderful time, but those moments are with  peers not friends, and those moments are rare.

“Horrifying” made the difference

I am proud of myself. I actually made a comment in class and the aftershock was bearable.  I shared with the class my thoughts on a subject, I described my reaction.  I put up my hand and waited for my turn – I took that time to calm myself down and to find a better word for what I wanted to say.  I wasn’t quite happy with the word I had at the time, which was “disappointing.”

I scanned my mind searching, searching for that perfect word and finally settled on “horrifying”  – what I wanted to relay was indeed “horrifying.”  After my comment, I quickly recoiled back into myself to immediately analyze the sensations.  My voice wasn’t shaky and my comment wasn’t nonsensical.  My hands weren’t shaking and I can’t recall if my heart was racing at all!  All evidence of my progress.

I am practicing speaking out-loud.  I am tackling easy questions first, specifically closed questions and opinion questions – things that are never “wrong.”  (I continue to struggle with the experience of being wrong in a crowd)!   I am practicing the act of being heard, being listened to, being the centre of attention for a moment.  I am practicing projecting my voice – finding the right words without losing my mind or thought process.  I am practicing thinking on my feet.

If I really want to be the kind of speaker I constantly imagine myself being, then I have to start somewhere and sometime.  I choose to start here and now, with one word responses and pure opinion – better late than never.