I am looking for signs that the mental fog that I have been living under is finally dissipating. Today I felt a little sense of relief. I am not quite sure what brought it on. Even though I was in school for the majority of the day, I spent most of the time alone. I barely spoke to anyone – I wasn’t intentionally avoiding anyone, but I was preoccupied with starting and completing a couple of assignments due today. I finished.
There was something different about today. I didn’t feel needy. But I am not sure if that’s true, because the thought did cross my mind. I am not sure. What happened is that, I thought about my life and the fact that I don’t really have friends. While I do have people that I chat with and sit with, our relationship does not stretch passed the confines of school and school work. And that’s where the problem lies.
I’ve always wanted people that can stretch into my world beyond school, people to help me find and conquer new worlds for my life. It happens rarely. Nowadays, every encounter and conversation is a direct result of our shared experience as peers in school or as staff members at work. We are peers, we are colleagues – we are not friends, the lines are pretty clear.
I’ve always experienced loneliness – my one true lifelong friend. This fact is true of every interval of my life. Obviously high school wasn’t great, university was a little better, but not by much, I tried again at college the first time around and here I am at college again, seeing the same process unfold. I see people partnering up, molding friendships, creating support systems and I am still wandering the hallways alone. I am still strutting along that lonely catwalk, my eyes anxiously seeking a familiar face. Someone that knows me, someone that can throw a gesture of acknowledgement my way – a mere “hello”, maybe spare a bit of small-talk, allow me to present my beautiful smile to the world. My smile desperately screams, “hey world, look at me, I am wonderful person, please seek to know me, I can be your friend!”
I am still alone in every sector of my daily experience. Perhaps this is why my parallel fantasy word is re-emerging and taking such a predominant stake in my daily life. Now I have my own fantastic life of riches, success and love playing in my head at all times – at all times! I am having trouble staying present in my reality – experiencing real moments. I am always in my head creating and recreating this world. Sometimes I take from my real world, components that work for me. But now I am living in my head again. I am fighting hard to keep my mind in reality, but it’s hard when my reality has nothing exciting to offer, besides my little girl. She’s my anchor to the real world. It’s as if she knows that I am in a fantasy world, she’s constantly calling on me, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” She brings me back to reality.
I will make real effort to stay present when I am with her. I don’t want to fall into fantasy. I don’t want to lose myself. If I lose myself, I will absent from my little girl’s moments and I don’t want to miss a thing. She’s the only good thing in my life. She’s my anchor to reality, and my loneliness is the fierce wind that seeks to blow me into mere fantasy. I don’t want to be pushed, I don’t want to move, I want to stay in this world with my girl.
What else can I possibly do to help me stay put? How can I make my reality more interesting? Genuine friendships would help, but clearly I don’t know how to make friends, so I don’t even want to try anymore. Why is it so hard to make friends? Earlier today at school, I thought, I’ve survived almost 34 years without this friend that I keep searching for, what’s another 34 years?!
Maybe that was the feeling earlier today, acceptance. Maybe I am finally emerging towards acceptance. Accepting myself as I am, lonely and all. The feeling was most prominent when I was sitting alone in the cafeteria eating my lunch. I noticed couples and groups sitting and chatting together, having a gay ‘ole time and wondered, what it was about me that I never really felt included in such experiences. I mean- I know that I have had experiences where I sat with groups and had a wonderful time, but those moments are with peers not friends, and those moments are rare.