“Horrifying” made the difference

I am proud of myself. I actually made a comment in class and the aftershock was bearable.  I shared with the class my thoughts on a subject, I described my reaction.  I put up my hand and waited for my turn – I took that time to calm myself down and to find a better word for what I wanted to say.  I wasn’t quite happy with the word I had at the time, which was “disappointing.”

I scanned my mind searching, searching for that perfect word and finally settled on “horrifying”  – what I wanted to relay was indeed “horrifying.”  After my comment, I quickly recoiled back into myself to immediately analyze the sensations.  My voice wasn’t shaky and my comment wasn’t nonsensical.  My hands weren’t shaking and I can’t recall if my heart was racing at all!  All evidence of my progress.

I am practicing speaking out-loud.  I am tackling easy questions first, specifically closed questions and opinion questions – things that are never “wrong.”  (I continue to struggle with the experience of being wrong in a crowd)!   I am practicing the act of being heard, being listened to, being the centre of attention for a moment.  I am practicing projecting my voice – finding the right words without losing my mind or thought process.  I am practicing thinking on my feet.

If I really want to be the kind of speaker I constantly imagine myself being, then I have to start somewhere and sometime.  I choose to start here and now, with one word responses and pure opinion – better late than never.