Run it away

I feel so much better today, especially right now as I write these words.  Yesterday was like a day of mourning (I know – so melodramatic!).  I experienced a deep sadness throughout the day – even the weather cooperated with my mood.  It was overcast, wet, cold and windy.  I spent most of the day alone, replaying the turn of events, reading and re-reading our messages to each other (especially his last message to me) and writing out my feelings, some of which I shared some with you.

I went for a run this morning – I think that made the difference.  Being out and about, part of the real world, part of the trees, the birds, the squirrels, the cyclists, the walkers and other runners was something I desperately needed.  It was just a friendly reminder that – you know what, life isn’t that bad, not mine anyways. I have a good life.

I could have used my time out there a little better though – all throughout, my mind and body were segmented.  My poor body, it has been neglected for so long – it used to be amazing, strong!  Together, we used to run 10k effortlessly.  Now it’s a struggle just to get through half of that!  But, my body got me through it today (thanks).  My body has always been there for me, showing me that I am indeed stronger than I think I am, even when I don’t treat it with the respect it deserves.

While my body increased my blood pressure, sent blood surging through my veins, stretched and strengthened my muscles, especially that thirsty heart of mine – my mind went on doing what it does best – thinking about the past and speculating about the future (this was the perfect chance to live in the moment!).  I was repeating words my mystery guy and I said to each other, recreating dreams we shared with one another and wondering about the possibility of running into him in real life.  I suppose it will take time to get over it, it has been only a day so far after all.  Soon he won’t be running around in my head so much giving me that heartache.

Good news is that I am not spending most of my time alone today.  I am about to head out to spend time with people who have bigger problems than disappointment! It’s always good to be pulled down back to earth, forced put your problems in perspective.

This heart keeps going on for you

love

I met a man online and for a good healthy moment, I thought he was mine, all mine, but now I know he was never mine to begin with. Even though I touched his heart, held his dreams in my arms, embraced tightly his fears and kissed gently his pain (each for a moment at least), it turns out, I was just paying mind to – and cleaning up a mess, someone else left behind.  Oh universe – of all the wonderful people keeping this crooked world together, why me? Why take a moment to tease me? (- and that’s what it feels like, a tease!) Why pick on this broken-hearted woman to deliver a man resembling her own dream lover, to another woman?  Really?  It had to be me?  You mean, there wasn’t some other chaos or atrocity you could tend to, rather than spending this moment with me to reunite these two together? (Will they bring peace on earth? Ok then, I’ll brace for impact…)

I get it – some good things happened for both him and me, but still…I’m a little hurt and, the experience made me more thirsty…(is there a point where one can be so thirsty, there is no greater degree to thirst?)  He said, I should keep dreaming, then let it go; that I shouldn’t hold on too hard to what I want most….(yes, he is quite the wise man).  I don’t understand it though, it’s beyond my scope of being. I don’t understand the concept – nor, the process of dreaming big and then, setting it free?

As I keep dreaming and keep dreaming big – will my love come along as he said?  And I’m wondering – will someone else (maybe you) give my lover a helping a hand, maybe a great big kick in the caboose that sends him flying right into me – knocking me off my feet, making my head spin, and making my heart skip a beat?  Oh and, will I be ready for him?  Will I accept him for everything that he really is…will I be ready to love him immediately?  If it’s an emergency…will I be prepared?

This mystery man and I, we never met, we just wrote to one another- about love, relationships and experiences in life that have affected us deeply. Well, I was just getting started on my end actually…    I had such an easy time opening up to him and considering him as possibly the man of my dreams.  He opened up to me too, shared with me some of the fantasies he created for just him and I.  The more I shared with him , the more I wanted him.  It doesn’t feel right to give so much of yourself to someone and not want him for yourself forever…

I think I made him feel uncomfortable or possibly created pressure on him for a romantic relationship.  I wrote to him about how I wanted to keep his heart safe and all that, and he wrote back to me repeating (several times) his desire to establish a friendship base.  I replied with an apology for pushing too hard, I expressed my desire for friendship too, but I feared the damage was already done…  Now I am thinking, maybe it was also part of the universe preparing me for what was to come….

A couple of days passed before he replied to my last message, and in the meantime, I felt like I was already losing him…  I knew it wasn’t healthy to teeter between such grand emotions and ideas about someone I just met, but I couldn’t help it.  And just in case he really was the man for me, I didn’t want to restrain myself from him… (oops).

I saw it coming, or maybe, I made it happen.  I breathed life into the possibility of him not wanting me after all.  And that’s what happened, through me, he found his way back to a love he thought was lost.  Now, he is ready to do whatever it takes to make it work with her.

He was very kind, thoughtful and gentle as he bid farewell to me – which of course only made me want him more…. Damn. I hope there is enough of that kind of love for every single one of us looking….

So, the search goes on for you my love (I am right here by the way…).  Follow the sound of my heart beat calling for you.  Get out of my dream and into my reality.  Come to life, let me give this love to you… please, take your rightful place right here next to me.  Your absence is soo cliche…

Save me the breath of having to explain

Although I fantasize about various types of men, I think in real life it’s best to be with a black man.  For me, it gets rid of extra explanations.  I get to save my breath from explaining all kinds of things about me – my hair for one, my skin for another.

You know, my skin covers me head to toe and sometimes that’s a problem – but, my black man would take my hand, no questions asked.  My black man and I would share this common experience, it would be a deep and expansive feature of our relationship.  Only he could begin to grasp the idea (and/or the experience) of loving me so, oh so thoroughly.  It would irrefutably bind us together, irreversibly blend our social angst and qualms while we’re at it.

He would save me the breath of having to explain myself – explain my past, explain my present and explain my future.  He saves me the breath of having to do all the explaining to our children.   Gee, I rather use those extra breaths to say “I love you more.”

I can’t imagine feeling the need to hide from him.  I can’t imagine feeling the need to keep pieces of my experience, nor a single piece of my broken heart from him.  I can’t imagine hiding from him and getting away with it.  He would know, he would have that extra sense to know me better. He would have broken pieces too and some would match those of my own heart. We would be a match made in heaven, I can see it now!

There would be no extra set of complexities and confusion between us, because he would never deliberately or inadvertently nor subconsciously add to any of my grievances.  My love for him would not be tainted by such confusion.  Whenever things happens, he would take my hand and experience my pain fully and completely like a loving embrace.  Only he would know how strong I am and he wouldn’t be surprised by how fragile I am.  It all makes sense to him.

It makes sense to be with him, to be matched with him.  His skin and my skin mean the same thing, trigger the same thing, would love and could love and should love, the same way.  We can blend in when we want to and stand conspicuously together as well.

Our love would never be questioned, be looked down on, be doubted or mocked.  We are safe in each other’s arms, most importantly, in each other’s hearts, oh but maybe even more importantly, in each other’s understanding.