This heart keeps going on for you

love

I met a man online and for a good healthy moment, I thought he was mine, all mine, but now I know he was never mine to begin with. Even though I touched his heart, held his dreams in my arms, embraced tightly his fears and kissed gently his pain (each for a moment at least), it turns out, I was just paying mind to – and cleaning up a mess, someone else left behind.  Oh universe – of all the wonderful people keeping this crooked world together, why me? Why take a moment to tease me? (- and that’s what it feels like, a tease!) Why pick on this broken-hearted woman to deliver a man resembling her own dream lover, to another woman?  Really?  It had to be me?  You mean, there wasn’t some other chaos or atrocity you could tend to, rather than spending this moment with me to reunite these two together? (Will they bring peace on earth? Ok then, I’ll brace for impact…)

I get it – some good things happened for both him and me, but still…I’m a little hurt and, the experience made me more thirsty…(is there a point where one can be so thirsty, there is no greater degree to thirst?)  He said, I should keep dreaming, then let it go; that I shouldn’t hold on too hard to what I want most….(yes, he is quite the wise man).  I don’t understand it though, it’s beyond my scope of being. I don’t understand the concept – nor, the process of dreaming big and then, setting it free?

As I keep dreaming and keep dreaming big – will my love come along as he said?  And I’m wondering – will someone else (maybe you) give my lover a helping a hand, maybe a great big kick in the caboose that sends him flying right into me – knocking me off my feet, making my head spin, and making my heart skip a beat?  Oh and, will I be ready for him?  Will I accept him for everything that he really is…will I be ready to love him immediately?  If it’s an emergency…will I be prepared?

This mystery man and I, we never met, we just wrote to one another- about love, relationships and experiences in life that have affected us deeply. Well, I was just getting started on my end actually…    I had such an easy time opening up to him and considering him as possibly the man of my dreams.  He opened up to me too, shared with me some of the fantasies he created for just him and I.  The more I shared with him , the more I wanted him.  It doesn’t feel right to give so much of yourself to someone and not want him for yourself forever…

I think I made him feel uncomfortable or possibly created pressure on him for a romantic relationship.  I wrote to him about how I wanted to keep his heart safe and all that, and he wrote back to me repeating (several times) his desire to establish a friendship base.  I replied with an apology for pushing too hard, I expressed my desire for friendship too, but I feared the damage was already done…  Now I am thinking, maybe it was also part of the universe preparing me for what was to come….

A couple of days passed before he replied to my last message, and in the meantime, I felt like I was already losing him…  I knew it wasn’t healthy to teeter between such grand emotions and ideas about someone I just met, but I couldn’t help it.  And just in case he really was the man for me, I didn’t want to restrain myself from him… (oops).

I saw it coming, or maybe, I made it happen.  I breathed life into the possibility of him not wanting me after all.  And that’s what happened, through me, he found his way back to a love he thought was lost.  Now, he is ready to do whatever it takes to make it work with her.

He was very kind, thoughtful and gentle as he bid farewell to me – which of course only made me want him more…. Damn. I hope there is enough of that kind of love for every single one of us looking….

So, the search goes on for you my love (I am right here by the way…).  Follow the sound of my heart beat calling for you.  Get out of my dream and into my reality.  Come to life, let me give this love to you… please, take your rightful place right here next to me.  Your absence is soo cliche…

Advertisements